Thursday, November 15, 2018


To the breeze that ever capture the smell of flower and citrus spread from my skin,
also the combination of sun and fabric that slips into every each strand,

I do apologize for witnessing things you dont want to.

This woman in too clueless,
to how she supposed to decide as the heart of hers is overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed by things she doesnt know whether it is real or temporarily real,
overwhelmed by things she doesnt know whether it is true or relatively true,
overwhelmed by things she doesnt even sure if it comes out from her heart or her ego.

She needs light,
to enlighten,
to buzz,
the silent
yet the crowds on her head
her heart.

She is too clueless,
she doesnt even can hear
what her heart says.

Once the words come out clearly,
it turned oppositely afterwards.

she is so lost,
so clueless,
and yet too powerful for deciding what she supposed to do.
It will harm her, her soul, and her surroundings.

But she always find herself tranquil,
by hearing the seawaves,
by catching the sunset,
by feling the language of people dancing,
by smelling petrichor on every drops when it's raining

It's so tranquil when...

she can manage her own nerves
to feel her joy
her sadness
her doubts
her gladness
her excitement
her heart
her heart
her heart
where it all kept.

Heart never choose whom will be in
it works together with brain
to create a bridge of memory
of every each person s\he meets.

The more s\he tries to forget,
the more the bridge will be stronger.
Because the nerves deliver the memories even faster.

And that's how we'll never forget memories
it lingers, it will never fade

and to know what's really heart says is such a.... long.... long thought.
sweetness flows,
doubts rise,
anger awaken,
hesitation melts,
it becomes
a habit
to deal with them.

would you help me to get out of these tangled thoughts, my dear heart, and my lovely logical brain?

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

A Letter for Women Out There

For you, women out there,
when you feel a presence of relationship destroyer,
dont hesitate to keep calm for a while,
watch her steps, and watch your boyfriend's steps

For you, women out there,
when you see her making movements of showing her affection to your boyfriend,
dont hesitate to keep calm twice,
being silent doesnt mean you dont know
and being silent doesnt mean you're not brave enough to reveal

For you, women out there,
when you are far away from your boyfriend and a lil bit insecure of what she would do to your boyfriend,
you dont need to keep calm for the third time,


dont hesitate to start talk to your boyfriend,
be honest to yourself, and be honest to him

For you, women out there,
when you feel it he doesnt care about your feeling,
take slightly about it,
keep calm and take a deep breath for a while.

You find yourself better?
Good, that's how a strong woman behave.
Take a deep breath and think with a clear mind.

Take a look of how worthy is your boyfriend to deserve you.

A woman who would keep her emotion even you know there is a presence of relationship destroyer
but you remain calm until she really shows her affection to your boyfriend

A woman who is really really brave, honest, and kind,
who has talked honestly, with no emotion,
and talk with a volume down.

A woman who lead yourself to be strong
to see everything not only from one point of view
even once you exploded to unknown person attacked your emails or another social media platforms just for the sake of another point of views.

A woman who deserves a freedom from this unworthy complicated problem.

For you, women out there,
dont hesitate to leave a boy, because man will not do this,
you deserve way much better

For you, women out there,
dont hesitate to give chance to him for being honest to you the last time,
before you leave him

For you, women out there,
just leave then if he doesnt want to tell honestly to you.

You, deserve freedom
let a cheater, being with cheaper
let them feed their curiosity
let them
let them be
let them being together

You now,
is being completely couraged to decide your worth
Congratulation, you!

After all this time,
dont ever think to do a revenge
even, when he comes back to you
even when you finally know who actually made a move first
even when you finally know, she really did hurt you too much

Have you, women out there, ever heard this one:
"Heart never fails, the failure comes from the acts we do assuming it is because of your heart. While actually, all you do is just hurting other hearts"

It wasnt because of her feeling towards your boyfriend,
but what she did.

It wasnt because of her feeling towards your boyfriend,
but her action she chose. We always know there is another smoother way to tell our affection towards man, when he already has a woman.

Please, women out there.
always forgive.

Forgive your boyfriend for feeding his curiosity,
forgive the destroyer for feeding her curiosity and selfishness.

Do you know, women out there, a boy who would leave a woman (of course I call you woman, not a girl), the reason might be these two:
1. He is curious, whatever the background is.
2. He really into her, and would completely leave you.

If number 2 hapens, once again, you are a very couraged woman to take very very good decision for your life.

If number 1 happens, he will come back to you.
forgive the time that brought back your boyfriend to you.

you remember you havent known the actual chronologist because the last time you ask your boyfriend to tell honestly to you, but he didnt?


Your heart needs the truth
your heart needs to heal
and the only way to heal is only,
feed it by truth, the honest one.

It will take time.

Wondering why, women out there?
your boyfriend might be afraid to hurt you twice because of the bitter truth
your boyfriend might want to close the case, and start a new journey with you


your heart needs the truth.
Now is your turn to feed you curiosity, women.
But, in a good way. As how a woman should behave. 
Dont take an example from how the destroyer behaves in feeding her curiosity. 

feed the heart of your soul.

It might be bitter
It might be hurts
It might stop your heart beat for a while

But remember, a bleeding wound needs to be in pain for a while to dry itself.
It's only for a while, women.

All of these pain,
worth a boyfrined who would turn into your man

Your man,
who will always try to heal you
even he knows, you have hard times always to trust him again

Your man,
who knows which one worth his effort in making a woman happy

Your man,
who is now trying to respects, understands, and loves a strong woman like you

Your man,
who knows the consequence of not being honest to you.

Take a deep breath, women
You might upset to the destroyer at the beginning,
go ahead if it makes you better.

But, dont let it grow into hating, women.
It is not how a woman behave.

Let her learn,
let us learn.

Number 1 happened to me, and i really want to say this to couraged women out there:

Dear lovely, couraged, and strong women out there,
dont blame yourself for leaving someone for the sake of your self-worth
dont blame yourself for feeling a presence of a destroyer
and most importantly, dont ever think to hate and do revenge to the destroyer. It will not heal you.
Believe me.

You heal when you see yourself at the mirror, and take a look back of how you control yourself to still being a woman even hurricanes are attacking you. 
And you really proud of yourself that because you passed that point, you have developed yourself into a better version of you--a brand new you.
I really proud of you, women.

Feed your ego in a good way, women. 
Not hurting another hearts, and not naming your selfishness for the sake of your heart if all it does is just hurting other people's hearts.

Dont ever choose an action which hurt another hearts just to feed your heart. 

and a short message for anonymous that I called you as my boyfriend's close friend.
I think I know who exactly you are. I mean, the name. 
I have never imagined you and your best friend (the other one, not my boyfriend) would hurt me this much. Even, i just cant believe there are a very heartless people who would hurt other woman this much.
But, thank you for bringing me into this problem.
I birth a better version of me. Thank you :)

my pain, worth a man and his family, who are really really really kind. :')

Saturday, March 4, 2017

It is okay.

Benar, kata pepatah segala sesuatu yang terlalu itu tidak baik, bahkan baik itu sendiri.
Seperti apa parameter terlalu? Semuanya abstrak dan relatif. Tidak ada hal definitif atas terlalu, apalagi jika dihubungkan dengan interaksi antar 2 orang manusia.

Bagaimana kalau saya bilang, semuanya kembali pada darimana kalian melihat? 
Satu sisi, ada yang memang pada dasarnya selalu menjadikan dirinya lilin. Membakar diri sendiri untuk orang lain.
Dan di satu sisi, ada yang (mungkin) berusaha menyelamatkan semua orang tapi dengan cara yang seharusnya tidak begitu. Bitter truth is better than a sweet lie, huh?

Tapi sebentar,
Cara orang melihat memang dari berbagi sudut pandang, tapi ingat toh bahwa manusia adalah makhluk sosial yang tidak dapat hidup sendirian? Dan ingat juga toh kalau manusia memiliki bagian paling dalam bernama hati? Sudah sewajarnya pula toh, dari sudut manapun kalian melihat segala sesuatu, kalian harus menjaga apa yang harus dijaga, kalian harus bisa membedakan mana yang benar dan mana yang relatif benar, mana yang salah mana yang akan menjadi salah.

Ada hal besar bernama komitmen di dunia ini. Ayah saya pernah bilang, bahwa komitmen adalah hal yang begitu mahal. Jarang ada orang yang dapat berkomitmen tanpa dipancing dengan insentif yang akan didapatkan kelak. Dalam apapun bentuknya. Baik materil maupun non-materil. Baik fisik maupun non-fisik.

Memang benar, selau ingat 3 perkara.
Don't promise when you're happy
Don't reply when you're angry
Dont't decide when you're sad

Lalu dimana letak komitmen? Di yang paling pertama. Hati tidak pernah salah, yang salah adalah bagaimana kita mengambil tindakan atas nama hati. Dan ketika kita berjanji—berkomitmen pada saat kita sedang berada di atas atau sedang dalam puncak-puncaknya, hati-hati. Kita tidak pernah tahu, ketika ada di titik terbawah, apakah komitmen tersebut tetap ada atau bahkan dianggap tiada. Dan pada titik inilah, kita tahu seberapa besar seseorang bisa bertahan pada komitmennya walaupun sudah sebegitu banyak hal yang selalu lebih dan selalu paling. Dan ayah saya mencontohkan untuk selalu berpegang pada komitmen yang telah dibuat, sebesar apapun godaan diluar sana yang selalu lebih dan selalu paling. Karena kita tidak pernah tahu kapan kita akan dapat berjalan selaras dengan partner komitmen kita atau sebaliknya.Hal kecil saja, dapat merusak komitmen. Dan kata-kata pun tidak dapat membuktikan bahwa kita berpegang pada komitmen. 

Menghargai dan dihargai itu, penting. Percaya dan dipercaya itu, penting. Dan yang kita butuhkan adalah saling.

Pepatah bilang, jika kamu ingin dihargai, maka hargailah terlebih dahulu.
Lantas, siapa yang harus memulai? Mulailah dari diri kita sendiri.

Tak apa,
Tak apa menjadi lilin untuk orang lain,
Tak apa memulai untuk meng- daripada di- 

Tak apa melepaskan daripada menahan bom waktu.
Satu-satunya obatmu untuk sembuh adalah,
Everything happens for a reason.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

After all this time..

Yaampun, udah bulan ketiga tahun 2017. Time flies too fast, dont you think?

Biasanya, setiap akhir dan awal tahun saya selalu nulis tentang ucapan terimakasih ke tahun lalu atas semua-mua pelajaran, atau cuma ngedeskripsiin tahun itu seperti apa. Tapi 2 tahun terakhir tidak lagi karena... sedang dalam euforia. Bukan, bukan euforia yang sesenang itu. Wkwkwk. Awal 2016 memang sebenar-benarnya euforia, tapi awal 2017, tidak. Sama sekali tidak. 

 Kalau begitu, halo, 2017! Sudah 2 bulan 3 hari saya diizinkan untuk ada pada setiap titik hujan yang turun di 2017, sudah 2 bulan 3 hari saya diizinkan melihat apa yang tidak ingin saya lihat, dan sudah 3 bulan 2 hari juga saya diizinkan untuk berdiri, berdiri lagi, sendiri. Lalu setelahnya diizinkan untuk melihat ke belakang sudah berapa jauh saya melewati titik itu dan akhirnya sampai pada fase bersyukur karena kita tidak pernah tau, kalau sesuatu yang hilang bisa jadi membentur, membentur, lalu membentuk.

Iya, terbentur, terbentur, terbentuk.

Untuk apapun yang terjadi di bulan Desember-Januari, September-Oktober, atau bahkan bulan-bulan sebelumnya, kalian adalah sumber tenaga saya. Tenaga untuk tahu seberapa lemah saya dan seberapa beraninya saya untuk kembali berdiri. Kembali berjalan, kembali menyapa 2017. 

Walaupun kita selalu tahu, untuk sembuh adalah proses, untuk memaafkan adalah kebutuhan atas damai di dalam diri, dan untuk tumbuh adalah melepaskan. Iya, prosesnya panjang dan bahkan saya tidak tahu hambatan apa yang akan muncul. Karena hati tidak bisa ditebak, karena hati mudah dibolak-balik, dan karena apa yg tertuanglah yang akan menjadi salah, bukan hati. 

Tapi saya juga tahu, sedalam apapun, sesakit apapun, selalu ada rumput yang dapat menutupi dan kembali menghijaukan, kan? 

Selalu ada kegiatan yang dapat mengalihkan, kan?

Selalu ada yang mau mendengar, kan?

Selalu ada yang melapangkan datarannya untuk sujud, kan?

Untuk kesekian kalinya dalam blog ini. La tahzan, inallaha ma'ana.

Monday, February 6, 2017

Gak tega

Monday, July 11, 2016

Lagi Suka-sukanya Sama Steller!

Waktu itu lagi buka, ada kak Irfan Rahdian (you must be know if you're an user :p). He posted a url which linked into a social media that i have never visited; Steller. Thanks to Kak Irfan who introduced me to Steller!

Steller is a social media which facilitate us to write into both a lookbook or not. We can attach photos and videos with an attracting theme they provide.

Ayo yang suka nulis-nulis dan nggakmau spam di IG, mending dituangin jadi lookbook di Steller! Hihi

Find me on Steller: